Love Cycle Analyst Gifts

'By this time next year you'll be with someone new. You'll tell her about today and laugh. You'll laugh that snorty little piggy laugh of yours. She'll throw you out too.'

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

" A lot of it is just legal mumbo-jumbo."

Strangers. friends. Lovers. Spouse.

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

"I'll give you my unconditional love - on one condition."

'First date with a logician - These venn Diagrams will save us a lot of time. We'll see where you fit in, where I fit in, and if any of it overlaps'

Deconstructionist girlfriend

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

'My outer self loves your inner self, but my inner self can't stand your outer self.'

Lover's leap and Infatuation leap.

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

"I love it when you quote my blog back to me."

"Surely two people as intelligent as we are can work out some method of falling in love."

'Sharing the petrol costs didn't bother me, but I resent having to pay half for the condoms!'

The Giant Guardsman Chapters IX and x.

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

Tunnel of what passes for love these days. Tickets.

"I gave up on finding Mr. Right and settled for Mr. Chocolate!"

Evolution of love

'Love is a subconscious recognition of matching neuroses.'

"A guy can fall in love with a smile, then make the mistake of marrying the whole girl."

"Only one Valentines card? Still could have been a lot worse!"

"If you think you've earned this by consistently retweeting my tweets -- you're right."

"If you really loved me you wouldn't expect me to spar with you."

"What do you mean you want to slow things down?"

"I hate her snoring, especially during sex."

'I'll need four character references.'

Invent Sales Day

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

'No, I'm not going to hate myself in the morning. I hate myself now!'