Love Critic Gifts

A man smoking a post-coital cigarette sees a woman leaving a note in a suggestions box.

Relationship problems.

"You used to love the way I annoyed the hell out of you."

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

Tunnel of what passes for love these days. Tickets.

What do you mean you're not interested in dating me? I'm not feeling it. You courted me for years. You wrote me poetry. You said I was the one. But the minute I give in, you run away? Typical! It's official: I hate all men and especially you. I want you bad.

Evolution of love

My friends say I am too picky with women...I am so not.

"A guy can fall in love with a smile, then make the mistake of marrying the whole girl."

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

Dating an English Major

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"I like it, Julian — it speaks to what a waste of time and money your MFA was."

'Huh! You men are all alike!'

Wow. Worst Tunnel of Love ever.

'My outer self loves your inner self, but my inner self can't stand your outer self.'

Lover's leap and Infatuation leap.

"I loved your embarrassing personal essay in the 'Times.' "

"Surely two people as intelligent as we are can work out some method of falling in love."

The Giant Guardsman Chapters IX and x.

Nutty Assistants

'Love is a subconscious recognition of matching neuroses.'

"It's a miracle the miners could even find a diamond this small."

'May the groom kiss the bride?'

"And he's caring and honest and gentle..." "I'd do her."

Fake Diplomas

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

'Real Sex is consensual non-cyber + includes conversation.'

"Ugh... Jerry Saltz is totally junking up my feed again."

"Sorry, but she says she's not interested. She just wants to play the field."

"What a nice old tree! Let’s carve a heart with our initials in it." "Oh, yes, how romantic! Wound an innocent life-form you know nothing about. God, I hate people."

"Where did you and mummy meet?"

Marriage Guidance - "Do you find that hating each other puts a strain on your relationship?"

"Do you mind if I put this on instagram?"

"Stupid superstitious waste of money - what'd you wish for, a new vacuum?"