Relationship Critic Gifts

'Huh! You men are all alike!'

'I still say she's making a big mistake marrying that guy. He's such a phony.'

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

'I'm leaving you, Harold. You're boring, predictable, and your texting borders on pathetic.'

"She sounds like a complete cad."

"Stupid superstitious waste of money - what'd you wish for, a new vacuum?"

What's the best way to break up with someone without hurting their feelings? Why would you want to do that? The whole point of breaking up with someone is to punish them for their shenanigans, their shortcomings, and their carnal incompetence! Why deny yourself satisfaction?! Every time you bring a tear to the eye of a loser, an angel get her wings.

'Pack a few things, Doreen. I've discovered this amazing new exchange scheme.'

'You better believe this lousy date is going on Facebook.'

Slavery to marriage

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

'Oh, we don't keep score in our marriage, Dr. Downs, but if we did, I'd be winning 212 to 137.'

"To be honest, I'm not really surprised to hear your relationship isn't working out. You're not the first bacterium and penicillium to sit in those chairs and you certainly won't be the last."

'Thou shall not covet the neighbours same sex partner.'

"This not the way I envisioned falling in love."

Well, if being married isn't grounds for divorce, I'd like to know what is"

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

"She leaves wooden-handled knives soaking in the dishwater all night long. Your Honor."

Richard and Wendy Kozier, of Saddle River, New Jersey, with U.N. Peacekeeping Contingent

"What on earth do they find to talk about?"

'Instead of nagging you, Walter, I've decided to write a syndicated column!'

'There's a NAGGING blog?'

"The Jacksons will be there in about an hour and I promise you guys an epic fight!"

Man in traffic jam watches couple row while eating popcorn.

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

'So, did your marriage counseling work?', 'It sure did! -- She ran off with the marriage counselor!'

"Now who's being judgy?"

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."