Modern Relationship Critic Gifts

Speed Dating and Speed Dumping

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

Mobile phones and long distance relationships,

"This not the way I envisioned falling in love."

Well, if being married isn't grounds for divorce, I'd like to know what is"

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

'There's a NAGGING blog?'

Man in traffic jam watches couple row while eating popcorn.

Suddenly it occurred to Justin that rose petals might have been more romantic.

"What on earth do they find to talk about?"

"I'm a vegan. I don't know what made me order a cheeseburger. Maybe I've got the flesh eating disease."

"Now who's being judgy?"

'Here's a list of women I want you to stay away from at the party tonight.'

'Her being multi-lingual has it's drawbacks I'm afraid-she nags me in SIX languages!'

"I don't see what you see in him."

'So, did your marriage counseling work?', 'It sure did! -- She ran off with the marriage counselor!'

'It's not gifts I want, but someone who listens.'

'I'm no good at sports, so I'll just have to settle for a trophy wife.'

"I love you very much, but apparently it's break-up season."

'We have separate bedrooms because I snore and because I can't stand the sight of her.'

"Our marriage has been renewed for another season."

Elderly spinster commenting on a marriage

"If you think you've earned this by consistently retweeting my tweets -- you're right."

"I broke it off with him when I realized his love of quinoa was but a sham."

"And he's caring and honest and gentle..." "I'd do her."

Bread Winner-Need More Dough

"I don't want to get too serious."

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

"I married him for his intelligence, turns out that was artificial as well!"

'Real Sex is consensual non-cyber + includes conversation.'

"Mom and dad's marriage wasn't made in heaven. They met online, so it was made in the Cloud."