Love Critic Pillows

A man smoking a post-coital cigarette sees a woman leaving a note in a suggestions box.

Relationship problems.

"You used to love the way I annoyed the hell out of you."

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

My friends say I am too picky with women...I am so not.

"A guy can fall in love with a smile, then make the mistake of marrying the whole girl."

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

Dating an English Major

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"I like it, Julian — it speaks to what a waste of time and money your MFA was."

"I loved your embarrassing personal essay in the 'Times.' "

'My outer self loves your inner self, but my inner self can't stand your outer self.'

"Surely two people as intelligent as we are can work out some method of falling in love."

Nutty Assistants

'Love is a subconscious recognition of matching neuroses.'

The Giant Guardsman Chapters IX and x.

'May the groom kiss the bride?'

"And he's caring and honest and gentle..." "I'd do her."

Fake Diplomas

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

'Real Sex is consensual non-cyber + includes conversation.'

"Stupid superstitious waste of money - what'd you wish for, a new vacuum?"

"Sorry, but she says she's not interested. She just wants to play the field."

"Do you think she's just playing 'hard to get'?"

"What a nice old tree! Let’s carve a heart with our initials in it." "Oh, yes, how romantic! Wound an innocent life-form you know nothing about. God, I hate people."

'Love? You're talking about LOVE?? Barry - you're here just because I'm too busy to keep a dog!'

'Will you marry me, Miss?'

"Are we maximizing our time together or minimizing our efforts?"

'This Valentine's, Ted and I are just giving each other more space.'

A couple look at a graph on their bed

'By this time next year you'll be with someone new. You'll tell her about today and laugh. You'll laugh that snorty little piggy laugh of yours. She'll throw you out too.'

"I'm not really a handsome prince. I just fancied a good snog."

"The technique is good, but somehow I feel that the artist didn't take enough time observing the subject."