Little League Season Gifts

Thanks to the amazing new Zap-a-Slacker, parents are able to send a mild electrical current to their daydreamy Little Leaguers.

'We're doing everything we can to police ourselves on steroids.'

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

'Wow! That was some world series, Ella! Both Pujols and Holland were just amazing...'

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"There will be a winning team and a losing team. Are you OK with that?"

"College basketball recruiters are after him."

I love your enthusiasm, girls, but we're not opening a can of whoop-ANYTHING.

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

Vendor selling testosterone.

The game is tied, and this is the final inning because the sun is setting. I understand, coach, I need to get home before dark!

It had been a while, but he had finally come home.

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

"Yes! I hit a triple. Woo-hoo."

"Why so aloof in here? When you're on base, you yak your ass off with every Yankee in sight."

I can just feel it. I know they're talking about me.

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

American Football.

'All this viewing is an endurance event in itself...'

"Oh, how I wish the season would start!"

'I was up twice and got one hit, which gives me an lifetime average of 500!'

"We would have won if it hadn't been for the other team."

Please Do Not Throw Cups of Beer At The Players... It's A Waste of Beer.'

Sports Fan - Whoever's Winning

This is great, Ernie, there's a pennant race and the ballpark is packed every day! The food selection here is unmatched anywhere! Today I've already had nachos, a bit of hot dog and some ice cream! Coming here always makes me queasy! Oh, the foods too much for you? No, I just get nervous in a place where the term "sacrifice fly" is used!

Football.

'Peanuts, popcorn, steroids!'

'The manager takes the pitcher out of the game'

"We won again, and guess what? A Russian oligarch wants to buy us!"

Stop with racism in sport!

"Can we fast forward through the 7th inning stretch?"

World Cup Fan.

Mr. Macho at the game... and after the game is over.