Starting Little League Gifts

'Nice level swing, Billy. Just meet the ball. Don't try to kill it, Billy.'

"There will be a winning team and a losing team. Are you OK with that?"

I love your enthusiasm, girls, but we're not opening a can of whoop-ANYTHING.

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

"Yes! I hit a triple. Woo-hoo."

The game is tied, and this is the final inning because the sun is setting. I understand, coach, I need to get home before dark!

'I was up twice and got one hit, which gives me an lifetime average of 500!'

"We won again, and guess what? A Russian oligarch wants to buy us!"

"Can we fast forward through the 7th inning stretch?"

'Well, Jimmy, it's your turn to go get it.'

"It's her first bench-clearing brawl."

"This is the little league. You can't negotiate a signing bonus"

'I'm the new kid on the team. Where's my signing bonus?'

"OK...this season, I'm not taking any fooling around...we must have discipline! We must know the rules! We must respect the other team! But mostly...no yelling at the kids, or the coach!"

'We're doing everything we can to police ourselves on steroids.'

"Benjamin, we've discovered, is quite gifted at third base."

"Would you knowingly cheat to be better at something just to make millions of dollars? Well would you? Son? ... Son?"

"Coach said I can be catcher if I gain 30 pounds."

'Watch out for the hidden ball trick.'

'The pain in your eyes is from too much TV. The pain in your arm is from too much base-ball and that other pain is from too much home-work.'

'Kid, go out there and play like you're worth 29 million plus signing bonus, buyouts, and endorsement deals. '

Sportsmanship

"Did you really just tell me to keep my eye on the ball?"

'A good, but not a grand slam!'

"I play 'backside'. My 'backside' is always sitting on the bench."

'Play your best. There's going to be a scout for the ten year olds in the stands!'

'Sixteen home runs, 34 runs batted in, and nine stolen bases. I'd call that being good.'

"We're offering twenty million plus incentives over a four-year period, Mrs. Morton. Can Timmy come out and play?"

"Tyler lost interest in baseball once he tried old-time boxing."

Little League Registration: "Um, I think we're gonna need to see your birth certificate again, son. . ."

'She's a good coach, and the kids seem to like her. But I still think someone should at least run a background check.'

'Next time up, I'm calling my shot: I'm pointing to the catcher's mitt.'

"Would you explain to your son that there's no free agency in T-ball?"

Thanks to the amazing new Zap-a-Slacker, parents are able to send a mild electrical current to their daydreamy Little Leaguers.