Joking Jack-of-all-trades Gifts

"I'm making a candlewick spread, so how do I get the wicks out?"

Jack of all trades

"Bed Spread"

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

Fleas Navidad.

"I brought you a wig because you said you like long hair."

"Merry Christmas"

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

'McWit Plumbing and Lite Puff Pastries.' The only way to survive in today's economy it's good to diversify.'

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

"We're a family here and you'll be like a son to me - illegitimate, of course."

Men dancing

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"I'm a writer/painter/filmmaker/poet/actor/comedian, manic-depressive goes without saying."

Elf of the Month

"Maybe this year..."

Cleaning the Horse

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

During a respite in union negotiations, simmering tensions boil over as some disgruntled members of the toymakers elf union take matters in their own hands.

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

C is for Cracker

'Your dad only works one day a week but mine only works ONE day a year!'

'I understand that you only use your vehicle once a year, Mr. Claus, but you drive over a million miles that night. That's why your premium is so high.'

"The Chairman will be on shortly, I'm just the warm-up guy."

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

"I'll be out in the great world, wearing may hats."

Easter Island heads bunny ears.

"You're gonna love this guy's act. He's, like, 'not funny, funny, not funny.'"

Santa's grotto advertising 'Talk to Santa', is next to a diet clinic with a sign in the window, 'Santa, talk to us.'

'You can't borrow the sleigh tonight- it's Christmas Eve!'