Joking Around Gifts

'My anti-distraction program isn't very high-tech, but it works.'

"I brought you a wig because you said you like long hair."

"Freeze!"

'Excuse me, Mr. Pavlik, but that gentleman you called an idiot is here. Should I still say you're not in?'

Portaloo Tidal Wave.

Formal SuitsBusiness SuitsBirthday Suits.

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'This is the only part of my old Army uniform that still fits.'

'I don't know what 'peer pressure' is, but it makes a GREAT excuse!'

'Who folded the annual report into a paper airplane?'

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

Get crazy once in a while

'Gravity...Go figure!'

"Bed Spread"

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

"Of course they're permanent. I'm an artist."

Growth Charts

"I'm giving you a 300% salary increase, and four months paid leave."

'Our family has a dry sense of humor, and we don't laugh that much.'

"Just toot my horn and I'll be there."

Pesky students.

'That's her second pitcher and she doesn't even like beer - I guess she just likes to pee.'

Caution May Contain Nuts.

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

"Merry Christmas"

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'You've got the wrong idiot, number.'

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

A Young Boy Talking To An Old Gentleman.

'Half o' mild and a bag of pork scratchings - you're grooming me, aren't you?'

"You've got to be kidding me." Hoover Dam

"I'm off, I only popped in for a swift three units."

Bottle-nosed Dolphins.

"So yeah - This is my ideal first date."

Giraffe wanders into Lion country.