Joking Patient Gifts

IV Bags: Main and Afters

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

The New Age Dentist.

'Gee, Doc - couldn't you just use a rubber mallet to check my reflexes?'

'Admit it,you've been bothering the nurses again,haven't you?

"Mr. Wilson? I'm Dr. Bradshaw. Please come in."

'Don't get any ideas, mister -- I recognize that look in your eye!'

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

"Sorry Mr Penrose. We forgot to shake your medicine this morning."

'He still doesn't know how serious an amputation he's had, nurse, so try not to act too shocked.'

"My Doctor said I needed more exercise so I jogged down to the donut shop."

'I had a stomach ache, so I took bicarb of soda and went to bed early. Did I do the right thing?'

"He's losing his will to pay!"

"Don't be alarmed! The Doctor's chiropractor recommended he work like this!"

"That reminds me, I was going to get my daughter piano lessons!"

'Pick something you can tolerate from this list of side effects and I'll prescribe something appropriate.'

'Dr. Winslow will be checking your heart. Dr. Briggs will be checking your lungs. And I will be checking your bank account.'

"Health insurance? Waking up breathing each morning is my health insurance!"

"NURSE! Are you taking the piss?"

Sorry, you rolled off the table just as I was going in!

'If you experience pain and discomfort in removing the cap... double the dosage.'

"Does your tooth still hurt?"

Surgeon has dropped his forceps.

"I'm going to send you to someone who's not afraid of doing a little harm."

'And if you like we can arrange for you to receive next to last rites on the morning of your surgery.'

"You're in luck. My speciality is symptoms that are just crazy."

'The doctor's running a little behind, sir. If you'd prefer, you can step over to our self checkup line.'

What's the benchmark for waiting times in hospital?

'You can discuss sexual failure with me Mr Harmsworth, I'm trained not to laugh.'

'Visiting time! Hide your grapes!'