Joke-loving Patient Gifts

Neuro Surgery. Staff only. Sorry, that took longer than I expected --- He has a lot of nerve!

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

'Good news! Throwing yourself at the mercy of the cholesterol seems to have worked.'

'My doctor told me avoid any unnecessary stress, so I didn't visit him today.'

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

"You have ice water in your veins."

'Admit it,you've been bothering the nurses again,haven't you?

The New Age Dentist.

'Gee, Doc - couldn't you just use a rubber mallet to check my reflexes?'

'It's me, Jack Gurkenman! I'm your ophthalmologist with the broken left ankle, doctor!'

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

"My Doctor said I needed more exercise so I jogged down to the donut shop."

IV Bags: Main and Afters

'Nurse, has the staff been eating in pre-op again? There's mayonnaise on the scalpel.'

'Regarding the surgery you just had - I hope you have a good sense of humour.'

'I had a stomach ache, so I took bicarb of soda and went to bed early. Did I do the right thing?'

"He's losing his will to pay!"

"Don't be alarmed! The Doctor's chiropractor recommended he work like this!"

'Pick something you can tolerate from this list of side effects and I'll prescribe something appropriate.'

"Health insurance? Waking up breathing each morning is my health insurance!"

"NURSE! Are you taking the piss?"

"And there's a surcharge if you insist on annoying the doctor with any self-diagnosis you found on google."

Sorry, you rolled off the table just as I was going in!

Hospital patient using his thermometer on the remote control.

"I'm going to send you to someone who's not afraid of doing a little harm."

"Does your tooth still hurt?"

"The bad news is you do have a lump the size of a golf ball. The good news is my tests indicate it's just a golf ball."

"Why don't I just tell you the treatments I'm willing to do and we'll assume I have whatever disease that's good for!"

'It's a nasty little rash, nothing to worry about!'

'You can discuss sexual failure with me Mr Harmsworth, I'm trained not to laugh.'

'Perhaps I was a bit TOO graphic in explaining the surgical procedure.'

"I'm sorry for the delay. We're still waiting to get approval from your insurance company."

"I'm afraid that your irritable bowel syndrome has progressed. You now have furious and vindictive bowel syndrome."