Joking Jack-of-all-trades Pillows

"I'm making a candlewick spread, so how do I get the wicks out?"

Jack of all trades

"Bed Spread"

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

"I brought you a wig because you said you like long hair."

"Merry Christmas"

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

"We're a family here and you'll be like a son to me - illegitimate, of course."

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

Men dancing

'McWit Plumbing and Lite Puff Pastries.' The only way to survive in today's economy it's good to diversify.'

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

Elf of the Month

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"Maybe this year..."

"I'm a writer/painter/filmmaker/poet/actor/comedian, manic-depressive goes without saying."

Cleaning the Horse

C is for Cracker

During a respite in union negotiations, simmering tensions boil over as some disgruntled members of the toymakers elf union take matters in their own hands.

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'Your dad only works one day a week but mine only works ONE day a year!'

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

'I understand that you only use your vehicle once a year, Mr. Claus, but you drive over a million miles that night. That's why your premium is so high.'

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

"I'll be out in the great world, wearing may hats."

Celebrity Clown Rehab: 'And so how does that make you feel, Chuckles?'

Santa's grotto advertising 'Talk to Santa', is next to a diet clinic with a sign in the window, 'Santa, talk to us.'

'You can't borrow the sleigh tonight- it's Christmas Eve!'

How's the writer's block?