Humorous Card Collection Gifts

I need a Valentine card that proclaims undying love but doesn't commit me to anything.

Vegetarian Birds

Santa called but you were out!

'You'll be getting $5,000 worth of doggy treats this week. If your owner sees the charge on his credit card, you don't know me.'

"You can always count on me."

'After a Gadzillon glasses of milk and cookies who wouldn't have an upset stomach?'

"I don't care who's naughty or nice anymore-I only keep track of who's crossed me."

'These are Martha's Camp Cupcake Muffins - and I've just ordered her new apron from the prison gift shop.'

Dog to dog: 'I hate the way pointers are always blaming somebody else.'

Happy Valentine's Day

Lesser Known Active Volcanoes.

Waiting for the 5 o'clock hooter.

'One more thing -- My Dad says that if you bring me one more 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' tape, he'll rip off your beard and set fire to it.'

Strange Aftertaste birthday cards.

This would be Andy's first and last day as golf instructor at Sunset Oaks Country Club: "Remember, *hic*....Always jerk your head up and swing at the ball as hard as you can."

Santa vs traffic warden...

Cold Callers!

"Before you go inside, give me a chance to explain the mess ..."

Belated $3 birthday cards. 'Darn. All I've got is two bucks.' Bob was always a day late and a dollar short.

2After using the Internet all day, Brad doesn't like any kind of popup."

Parp!

A.I. apology cards to humans.

Tooty-Fruity

Kebab doner card

'It IS an interesting hat isn't it? I made it from the skin of the last dog that fouled my mooring ropes!'

"It's unrealistic for us to have a chimney, tree, or stockings, so you can forget about Santa."

"Wow, I wish I'd thought of that! My last words were pretty naf."

At death's door

"He's my best friend – 74, bald, looks like a fat Sid Caesar."

"What's the name of the drug I've been taking to improve my memory?"

'Since we're bears, when can we start mauling people?'

'FYI - this pan is bulletproof.'

'Irony Board"

"Where do you keep the cards with the money in them?"

Sorry to hear about your accident.