Humorist On Aging Gifts

"You have a beautiful smile. It would look great in a glass of water next to my bed."

"Why bother?"

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

I'm taking you off trying to stay young.

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

How are you feeling today? I feel just like a newborn baby. Really? Yes. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

Middle Age: When an 'All Nighter' means you didn't have to get up to pee!

'Ain't it great, Wally, to be over the hill and not under it!'

"You boys who have to take your medications with food, now's the time."

"What if you go under before I need to?"

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

"It turns out my milk is actually aging cream...so, I use it to remove all those ugly age spots."

"Damn if I didn't start walking in this direction for a reason..."

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

"There ain't enough room in this here town for two arthritics, stranger..."

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

Listen, you're fine. Lots of people your age start fuhgeddabouding things.

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"He's at that funny age. It takes twice as long to get over a good time, as to have it."

"How do you know my wish didn't come true."

'He's in a male 60 panic mode.'

"It's the Florida kid."

Old Darth Vader

Jell-O: A Life.

"at my age I have to wonder if it's indigestion or a heart attack." (two old men discussing aging and medical concerns)

Getting older is....Getting involved in one upmanship over ailments and medications.

"Kick me"

Now showing: Retirement Village Vixens, You must be 65.

"Face it, Dear, we're in a desperate battle with gravity...and it's winning!"