Aging Humorist Gifts

"Great! O.K., this time I want you to sound taller, and let me hear a little more hair."

"My bowels are like clockwork. I go every morning at 6 am. The problem is I don't get out of bed until 7 am..."

How Pants Defy Gravity As We Age.

"He's at that funny age. It takes twice as long to get over a good time, as to have it."

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

'It's a letter from the Census Bureau, informing us of our move into an older demographic.'

"He's angry about getting old."

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

'Poor Oog -- evolution sure has AGED him!'

Are you trying to change me?

'Sir, would you like some 20 year old Scotch?' - 'No thanks, I never drink anything older than I am.'

'He's in a male 60 panic mode.'

Getting older is....Getting involved in one upmanship over ailments and medications.

Listen, you're fine. Lots of people your age start fuhgeddabouding things.

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

I used to believe that aging is all in the mind. That explained why brows are so wrinkled. In my youth I was the picture of health and physically fit. These days my joints noisily creak and grind whenever I move. A sinus condition causes snoring loud enough to wake my neighbors. And my stomach constantly rumbles like a cement mixer! I've gone from a sound body to a sound body. It's a circle of life, Frank.

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"How do you know my wish didn't come true."

"No, I don't want it cut. Just move it up a bit."

Middle Age: When you still believe you'll feel better in the morning!

"Why bother?"

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

How are you feeling today? I feel just like a newborn baby. Really? Yes. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

Middle Age: When an 'All Nighter' means you didn't have to get up to pee!

"It turns out my milk is actually aging cream...so, I use it to remove all those ugly age spots."

"You boys who have to take your medications with food, now's the time."

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

When scientists come out of retirement.

"Damn if I didn't start walking in this direction for a reason..."