Aging Humorist Gifts

"Great! O.K., this time I want you to sound taller, and let me hear a little more hair."

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

'It's a letter from the Census Bureau, informing us of our move into an older demographic.'

"He's angry about getting old."

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

'Poor Oog -- evolution sure has AGED him!'

Are you trying to change me?

'Sir, would you like some 20 year old Scotch?' - 'No thanks, I never drink anything older than I am.'

'He's in a male 60 panic mode.'

Getting older is....Getting involved in one upmanship over ailments and medications.

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"No, I don't want it cut. Just move it up a bit."

Middle Age: When you still believe you'll feel better in the morning!

"Why bother?"

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

How are you feeling today? I feel just like a newborn baby. Really? Yes. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

Middle Age: When an 'All Nighter' means you didn't have to get up to pee!

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

"You boys who have to take your medications with food, now's the time."

"Damn if I didn't start walking in this direction for a reason..."

"I never thought you'd live to be 90 either. By the way, you're only 67."

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"Without a doubt... the first sixty!"

I'm retired...I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

"Help! I've fallen and my son is a disappointment!"

Old Darth Vader

"It's the Florida kid."

"I'm starting to look old."

'The teachers' range are all designed vertically so they can stand at the front of the class.'