Aging Comedian Gifts

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

"Relax, Honey. People are always mistaking me for Death!...I'm his sister, Middle-Age."

"at my age I have to wonder if it's indigestion or a heart attack." (two old men discussing aging and medical concerns)

"Why bother?"

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

Toothless Meal

How are you feeling today? I feel just like a newborn baby. Really? Yes. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

Middle Age: When an 'All Nighter' means you didn't have to get up to pee!

"Date of birth?" "1989." "In 1989 I couldn't make ice... still can't." "Good lord, she could be my daughter! I'm so #!@* old." "That's the year my wife left me. Now I have a cold and I'm depressed!"

"You boys who have to take your medications with food, now's the time."

'He's disappointed with the Queen's card - he wanted a rude one!'

"It turns out my milk is actually aging cream...so, I use it to remove all those ugly age spots."

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

"Damn if I didn't start walking in this direction for a reason..."

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

"Our health insurance premium doubled. Our age is now a pre-existing condition."

"Without a doubt... the first sixty!"

"I never thought you'd live to be 90 either. By the way, you're only 67."

Listen, you're fine. Lots of people your age start fuhgeddabouding things.

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"He's at that funny age. It takes twice as long to get over a good time, as to have it."

'He's in a male 60 panic mode.'

"I'm starting to look old."

"We've been here forty years - When do we get our golden parachutes?"

"How do you know my wish didn't come true."

Old Darth Vader

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'