Centenarian Comedian Gifts

'He's disappointed with the Queen's card - he wanted a rude one!'

"Why bother?"

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

Toothless Meal

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art though, Romeo? Seriously, wherefore art thou? Shakespeare in the Dark.

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

"Date of birth?" "1989." "In 1989 I couldn't make ice... still can't." "Good lord, she could be my daughter! I'm so #!@* old." "That's the year my wife left me. Now I have a cold and I'm depressed!"

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

Middle Age: When an 'All Nighter' means you didn't have to get up to pee!

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

"You boys who have to take your medications with food, now's the time."

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

"Without a doubt... the first sixty!"

"I never thought you'd live to be 90 either. By the way, you're only 67."

Listen, you're fine. Lots of people your age start fuhgeddabouding things.

"Our health insurance premium doubled. Our age is now a pre-existing condition."

"He's at that funny age. It takes twice as long to get over a good time, as to have it."

Oh U! The German Periscoper: "Ach Himmel! Dot most be der peutiful Ben Nevis of vich ve 'ave 'eard so mooch!"

"How do you know my wish didn't come true."

"I'm starting to look old."

"We've been here forty years - When do we get our golden parachutes?"

"It's the Florida kid."

'He's in a male 60 panic mode.'

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

Old People Whisperer

"Face it, Dear, we're in a desperate battle with gravity...and it's winning!"

"You realise, in cosmological years, we're not very old at all."

'Poor Oog -- evolution sure has AGED him!'

Getting older is....Getting involved in one upmanship over ailments and medications.

'To absent teeth.'

"at my age I have to wonder if it's indigestion or a heart attack." (two old men discussing aging and medical concerns)