Centenarian Humor Gifts

'You've got a text from the queen.'

"Why bother?"

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

How are you feeling today? I feel just like a newborn baby. Really? Yes. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

"We're neither software nor hardware. We're your parents."

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

"What say we shake things up a bit, and go in and ask for a couple of home-pregnancy test kits."

"Hey! I was trained in 1948 and was good enough for then, so it's good enough for now....whipper-snapper!"

"Don't let old age get you down. It's too difficult to get up again."

'He's disappointed with the Queen's card - he wanted a rude one!'

"You boys who have to take your medications with food, now's the time."

"He said his goal was to make it to 100."

Life begins at 60

'Dang.'

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"Greatest Band?"

"Mom, does granddad want me to run away? He's playing that Disco music again!"

'You are always living in the past!'

High pants/Low pants.

"Things were really different when I was growing up. Childhoods today are much longer."

At the Old Bikers' Home

"Ha! This younger is so absorbed in social media that he cannot appreciate his youth, unlike I, aging millennial, who cannot appreciate his thirties."

"It's the Florida kid."

"This is my mom's phone. Instead of a hashtag, it has a pound sign."

Why can't you just buy some extra memory like everybody else?

"I see Arthur's arthritus is acting up again."

"My dad says at some point in your life, fashion isn't important anymore. You basically wear nylon slacks and guayaberas every day."

"Happy birthday. They were out of bourbon so I got you those underpants you can pee in."