Seniors' Humor Gifts

At the Old Bikers' Home

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'Of course I want a short back and sides. I've only got a back and sides.'

'As a matter of fact, I have the heart of a 30-year-old woman.'

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

"I see Joe Bosco passed away." "Yeah. I heard he laid down the boogie and played that funky music til he died."

Adam and Eve, as old people.

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

A senior moment.

James Bond: Senior Years.

David Blaine, Age 60

"You're getting more wrinklier, grandpa. You should drink more water."

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

"The Doctor says it's very rate for the superannuated to get taller."

"What say we shake things up a bit, and go in and ask for a couple of home-pregnancy test kits."

"Our house must be haunted. When I look in the mirror an old geezer-goat stands in front of me so I can't see myself."

'He won't start up on cold mornings.'

'It's sadly ironic in a way - He can't hear the hearing aid commercials.'

"Don't let old age get you down. It's too difficult to get up again."

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

'Did someone say something?'

Pension in race with tortoise and snail.

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

You know you're getting old... when your barber spends more time on your eyebrows and ears than on the hairs on your head.

Old man has a walking stick case.

'Hello, handsome - is that a Billy Cotton ringtone?'

You know your getting old when you have to put on your reading glasses to trim your eyebrows...

Life begins at 60

"How's your memory?"

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."