Senior Humor Gifts

Life begins at 60

"Those speedbumps are there for a reason, Mrs. Gunderson."

Why can't you just buy some extra memory like everybody else?

You can't say I'm too old to drive. Road rage is the only thing keeping me alive.

"Don't let old age get you down. It's too difficult to get up again."

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

"What say we shake things up a bit, and go in and ask for a couple of home-pregnancy test kits."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'As a matter of fact, I have the heart of a 30-year-old woman.'

'Of course I want a short back and sides. I've only got a back and sides.'

Toothless Meal

"I've thought about retiring, but there's a great deal of gravity under this chair."

"I see Joe Bosco passed away." "Yeah. I heard he laid down the boogie and played that funky music til he died."

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

Adam and Eve, as old people.

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"So you admit to flashing your new teeth at pretty ladies?"

Old men,"I have terrible trouble with my joints..the cannabis keeps falling out."

James Bond: Senior Years.

A senior moment.

David Blaine, Age 60

"The good new is I found your dentures. The bad news is the dog has a new chew toy."

"Our house must be haunted. When I look in the mirror an old geezer-goat stands in front of me so I can't see myself."

'He won't start up on cold mornings.'

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

"The Doctor says it's very rate for the superannuated to get taller."

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

"You're getting more wrinklier, grandpa. You should drink more water."

'It's sadly ironic in a way - He can't hear the hearing aid commercials.'

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

Pension in race with tortoise and snail.