Senior Humor Fan Gifts

A senior moment.

'Of course I want a short back and sides. I've only got a back and sides.'

David Blaine, Age 60

"Our house must be haunted. When I look in the mirror an old geezer-goat stands in front of me so I can't see myself."

"This is not exactly how I envisioned watching the grass grow in my retirement."

"Phew! You're ripe! What's that brown spot?"

"I used to live each dray to the fullest. Now I'm satisfied with every other Tuesday."

'I need a low dose of Viagra please doctor. . .I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't wee on my shoes.'

False teeth duel.

"She's definitely less plumpy."

Things you say when you are officially old...

"To avoid stress in the future, tell me what gifts you would like for the next ten Christmases!"

Adam and Eve, as old people.

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

"I see Joe Bosco passed away." "Yeah. I heard he laid down the boogie and played that funky music til he died."

You can't get what up

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

"I've thought about retiring, but there's a great deal of gravity under this chair."

Birthday To-Do List

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

Old men,"I have terrible trouble with my joints..the cannabis keeps falling out."

James Bond: Senior Years.

"The good new is I found your dentures. The bad news is the dog has a new chew toy."

"What say we shake things up a bit, and go in and ask for a couple of home-pregnancy test kits."

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

"The Doctor says it's very rate for the superannuated to get taller."

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

"You're getting more wrinklier, grandpa. You should drink more water."

'It's sadly ironic in a way - He can't hear the hearing aid commercials.'

"Norman still has seventies flashbacks sometimes."

"Don't let old age get you down. It's too difficult to get up again."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

Pension in race with tortoise and snail.