Senior Satire Gifts

'. . . before we rob the bank, let's synchronise our pacemakers!

'Of course I want a short back and sides. I've only got a back and sides.'

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

Adam and Eve, as old people.

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

A senior moment.

David Blaine, Age 60

"Our house must be haunted. When I look in the mirror an old geezer-goat stands in front of me so I can't see myself."

How To Cut The Defense Budget

"What say we shake things up a bit, and go in and ask for a couple of home-pregnancy test kits."

"Don't let old age get you down. It's too difficult to get up again."

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

Life begins at 60

'Let's go upstairs and make love. I can't do both.'

Just what were you doing in Georgia anyways Hmmm Isn't it true that you were lookin' for a soul to steal Your confession states that you were in a bind cause you were way behind, Care to elaborate, Mr, Seacrest I mean, Lucifer,,

'I need a low dose of Viagra please doctor. . .I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't wee on my shoes.'

"Phew! You're ripe! What's that brown spot?"

White House Correspondents' Dinner: Featuring the Comedian-in-Chief.

'Your breathing test results would be normal ... if you were 3'8' and 150 years old.'

"Those speedbumps are there for a reason, Mrs. Gunderson."

"Yes, when I was young, I was a golden retriever: I'm more like a silver retriever now..."

"My back goes out more often than I do..."

"I'm Generation Z. Nice to meet you."

At the Old Bikers' Home

Campus police are dorm troopers.

"Money may not make me happy, but I'd like to give it a chance."

"She's definitely less plumpy."

'I won't have any drops today, nurse. It's raining so much...'

Why can't you just buy some extra memory like everybody else?

Dog Days

"I'd like to buy you a drink, beautiful... but I forgot my wallet in my pants and my pants at home."

"I used to live each dray to the fullest. Now I'm satisfied with every other Tuesday."

I was married to my job and suddenly there was a love triangle.

'I'm ninety-seven years old and I still have all my own teeth.'