Professional Satire Gifts

I was married to my job and suddenly there was a love triangle.

Copycats

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

Skeptic Tank.

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'Hey, the quarter wasn't so bad after all.'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"I'm gonna be a 'New Yorker' cartoonist. You're not supposed to understand it."

Whack-a-mole CEO.

"Let's kick off this Human Resource action with a game of Musical Chairs."

"I was a lot happier with the elephant in the room."

Up-to-date Career-Specific Romance Novels

Now that I finally have an expense account, there's no time to eat.

"I can't come in today, I'm feeling like myself."

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

"Here's a manual of our rules and a CD that covers our unwritten rules.

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Never mind devices - we need to establish a 'bring your own funding' policy."

"I'm cutting out a complete layer of management."

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

Death Boss

"That's not a progress chart, that's the bosses salary chart!"

'I can live with you not wanting to push the envelope, but your refusal to think outside the box...'

'As we all know, the appearance of honesty is the best policy....'

Boardroom cream pies.

'Coleridge'

'Welcome! Highly placed, unidentified administration spokespersons convention.'

'Mr. Donovan, is it all right if I tie my shoelace?'

'Now that the price of gold is up, we'd like to have your retirement watch back, Boggs.'

'The firm is downsizing, Oglethorpe -- tell everybody to scrunch up.'

'While I'm not looking for the typical 'Yes Man', I want a man who finds it extremely difficult to say 'No' to my suggestions.'