Senior Living Satirist Gifts

'Your breathing test results would be normal ... if you were 3'8' and 150 years old.'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'Of course I want a short back and sides. I've only got a back and sides.'

Adam and Eve, as old people.

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

"I see Joe Bosco passed away." "Yeah. I heard he laid down the boogie and played that funky music til he died."

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

"You didn't seriously think that one does one's own huffing and puffing these days, did you?"

James Bond: Senior Years.

A senior moment.

David Blaine, Age 60

"Our house must be haunted. When I look in the mirror an old geezer-goat stands in front of me so I can't see myself."

"The Doctor says it's very rate for the superannuated to get taller."

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

"What say we shake things up a bit, and go in and ask for a couple of home-pregnancy test kits."

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

"You're getting more wrinklier, grandpa. You should drink more water."

'He won't start up on cold mornings.'

'It's sadly ironic in a way - He can't hear the hearing aid commercials.'

"Don't let old age get you down. It's too difficult to get up again."

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

Old man has a walking stick case.

'Did someone say something?'

Life begins at 60

'I need a low dose of Viagra please doctor. . .I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't wee on my shoes.'

Things You Say When You Are Officially Old - Volume # 2

"How's your memory?"

Getting Old Sucks: "Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

"Phew! You're ripe! What's that brown spot?"

'Let's go upstairs and make love. I can't do both.'

"Those speedbumps are there for a reason, Mrs. Gunderson."