Modern Living Satirist Gifts

"You didn't seriously think that one does one's own huffing and puffing these days, did you?"

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

Snowman Driver

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."

"Right! It's a heart op, neurosurgery and counselling. And I'll have the Wiz"

"You can huff and puff all you want. The house is foreclosed and belongs to the bank."

Gogglebollox: Our Queen at 90

"I hacked into Santa's computer and discovered we're not on his naughty list. I feel we're letting our generation down."

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

'You'll marry me? Really? Then forget it! I can't be with someone who's standards are that low!'

"I hear Presbyterian is the new Methodist."

"Thank god for Sudoku."

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

Litigious Bo Peep

"You're wonderful, Kimberly, and I want to be married, but I'm looking for a complete unknown."

"How am I going to put in a new tape?"

Attention: Due to a lack of interest we have dropped the APATHY channel - Sorry for any inconvenience.

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Sean Hannity?'

'I'm just updating my Facebook profile.'

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

Rocket charmer.

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

"Jeremy sits in his hi-tech car all day and telecommutes from our driveway."

'Your breathing test results would be normal ... if you were 3'8' and 150 years old.'

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

'I often commit the sin of pride, Reverend. I imagine myself being googled.'

"No need to set out traps, I'm leaving. You don't have Wi-Fi in this dump."

"In my day we had trimphones."