Geriatric Humor Enthusiast Gifts

"Happy birthday. They were out of bourbon so I got you those underpants you can pee in."

"I said, my testicles are cold." "That's because they're in the dog's water bowl again."

"Why bother?"

Shirley Temple...The later years.. - 'Animal crackers in my poop...'

Birthday To-Do List

James Bond: Senior Years.

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

'It's sadly ironic in a way - He can't hear the hearing aid commercials.'

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"Meanwhile, in the Memory Care Unit... I said, your secret’s safe with me."

Getting Old Sucks: "Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"

"How's your memory?"

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

'You are always living in the past!'

'Ms. Trent, would you go down to the third grade and get one of the computer techs?'

'It's my prostate.'

Bus. Routes. Time used to be on my side, now it's at my back and pushing.

You know you're getting old...when your mobile phone rings and you start taking photographs of your ear.

"It's the Florida kid."

"I see Arthur's arthritus is acting up again."

'A gang of senior citizens was arrested today for harassing freshmen....'

"It's beer flavored prune juice."

Old Men on Rockers.

"Kick me"

"Fancy a bit of the other what, Reg?"

An old Dracula's false teeth fall out.

Sorry the dementia statistics are not ready, they keep losing count.'

Proud to be a senior citizen and Just give me my damn discount T-Shirts.

How Fatherhood Affects Belt Height: Father/Grandfather/Great Grandfather.

'When did I become so old and morose?' 'I know. It seems only yesterday you were young and morose.'

Oh, my god, I'm starting to look like my mother.

"Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty...."