Geriatric Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"Happy birthday. They were out of bourbon so I got you those underpants you can pee in."

"I said, my testicles are cold." "That's because they're in the dog's water bowl again."

"Why bother?"

Birthday To-Do List

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

'It's sadly ironic in a way - He can't hear the hearing aid commercials.'

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

"Meanwhile, in the Memory Care Unit... I said, your secret’s safe with me."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

Getting Old Sucks: "Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"

"How's your memory?"

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

'You are always living in the past!'

'Ms. Trent, would you go down to the third grade and get one of the computer techs?'

'It's my prostate.'

You know you're getting old...when your mobile phone rings and you start taking photographs of your ear.

"It's the Florida kid."

"I see Arthur's arthritus is acting up again."

"Kick me"

"It's beer flavored prune juice."

'A gang of senior citizens was arrested today for harassing freshmen....'

Old Men on Rockers.

An old Dracula's false teeth fall out.

"Fancy a bit of the other what, Reg?"

Sorry the dementia statistics are not ready, they keep losing count.'

Proud to be a senior citizen and Just give me my damn discount T-Shirts.

"There it goes again. That dang phone's here someplace..."

"Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty...."

"We're out of milk so I made your mush with Milk of Magnesia."

'The stylist got our instructions mixed up.'