Aging Humor Aficionado Gifts

"Kick me"

An old Dracula's false teeth fall out.

"Why bother?"

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

Birthday To-Do List

How are you feeling today? I feel just like a newborn baby. Really? Yes. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

James Bond: Senior Years.

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

'It's sadly ironic in a way - He can't hear the hearing aid commercials.'

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"Meanwhile, in the Memory Care Unit... I said, your secret’s safe with me."

"Isn't Jim Carrey getting too old to make Jim Carrey movies?"

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

"How's your memory?"

Getting Old Sucks: "Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

Listen, you're fine. Lots of people your age start fuhgeddabouding things.

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

'You are always living in the past!'

Pregnant vs. Old.

"He's at that funny age. It takes twice as long to get over a good time, as to have it."

'It's my prostate.'

"How do you know my wish didn't come true."

Bus. Routes. Time used to be on my side, now it's at my back and pushing.

'He's in a male 60 panic mode.'

"I wouldn't say that you're old, Dear, just way past your 'Best Before' date!"