Ageing Humor Fan Gifts

Birthday To-Do List

"Why bother?"

'Of course I want a short back and sides. I've only got a back and sides.'

You can't get what up

Adam and Eve, as old people.

A senior moment.

David Blaine, Age 60

"Our house must be haunted. When I look in the mirror an old geezer-goat stands in front of me so I can't see myself."

"What's your earliest memory, Sadie?" "You can not get under my skin, loser." "Maybe I can help you figure it out: were people wearing powdered wigs, or were they wearing togas?" "Did they live in primitive huts, or in trees?" "I'm not listening!" "Were they standing upright, or swimming in a primordial sea?" "You're about to be swimming in primordial soup."

"Norman still has seventies flashbacks sometimes."

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

"Keep an eye on Old Bound Volume of Harpers. He's on the make."

"Isn't Jim Carrey getting too old to make Jim Carrey movies?"

'I need a low dose of Viagra please doctor. . .I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't wee on my shoes.'

'You are always living in the past!'

Pregnant vs. Old.

"It's the Florida kid."

"She's definitely less plumpy."

"I wouldn't say that you're old, Dear, just way past your 'Best Before' date!"

"You're not losing your hair Dad, it's right here in your comb."

"I see Arthur's arthritus is acting up again."

"This is not exactly how I envisioned watching the grass grow in my retirement."

"I used to live each dray to the fullest. Now I'm satisfied with every other Tuesday."

"Thank you for the lovely dinner, Perry. Would you like to come in for a stool softener?"

"Happy birthday. They were out of bourbon so I got you those underpants you can pee in."

An old Dracula's false teeth fall out.

"Kick me"

Old Men on Rockers.

"Fancy a bit of the other what, Reg?"

False teeth duel.

"To avoid stress in the future, tell me what gifts you would like for the next ten Christmases!"