Centenarian Comedian Pillows

'He's disappointed with the Queen's card - he wanted a rude one!'

"Why bother?"

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

Toothless Meal

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

Middle Age: When an 'All Nighter' means you didn't have to get up to pee!

"Date of birth?" "1989." "In 1989 I couldn't make ice... still can't." "Good lord, she could be my daughter! I'm so #!@* old." "That's the year my wife left me. Now I have a cold and I'm depressed!"

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

"You boys who have to take your medications with food, now's the time."

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

"Without a doubt... the first sixty!"

"I never thought you'd live to be 90 either. By the way, you're only 67."

Oh U! The German Periscoper: "Ach Himmel! Dot most be der peutiful Ben Nevis of vich ve 'ave 'eard so mooch!"

'He's in a male 60 panic mode.'

"We've been here forty years - When do we get our golden parachutes?"

"I'm starting to look old."

"It's the Florida kid."

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

'To absent teeth.'

Old People Whisperer

"It's father, doctor, he's creaking badly."

"at my age I have to wonder if it's indigestion or a heart attack." (two old men discussing aging and medical concerns)

'Poor Oog -- evolution sure has AGED him!'

Getting older is....Getting involved in one upmanship over ailments and medications.

"Face it, Dear, we're in a desperate battle with gravity...and it's winning!"