Household Jester Pillows

"Go … get … your … mother."

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

'Fred, Fred: I've found a way to get into the pantry!'

'You're not supposed to use fabric softener on ARMOR!'

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

"Actually, I'm really looking for blessings that aren't in disguise"

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

'He does.'

man fishing at a dock sees a billboard: Do You Know It's Anniversary

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"Nobody's perfect, but we're working on it."

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Husband bakes a pie

"So, how was your day at work, Dear?"

Acclaimed mother.

"Yeah, I'm still scared of it too, but the worst part is that it seems to be GROWING...."

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

"You might need to remind Mrs. Sanders it's 'bring your DAUGHTER to work' day."

"Gigot de sept heures."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"I see a girl, I see a marriage, I see her not understanding you, I see a beer belly. Do you want me to go on?"

'He's all eyes!'

"My entire family's coming for the holidays."

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

"All rise."

"More helium."

"Have you been fiddling with the cuckoo clock again, Tony?"

'I had the recipe upside down, so it's beefed corn.'

"My family argues so much over living in the city or country that it makes me feel like pulled pork."

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

"You've got to understand, in my family Dad was the poodle and Mom was the pit bull."