Domestic Jester Pillows

'I know you just retired, but I want you to stop following me!'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

'He shouldn't be here really. There's a pile of ironing at home.'

'What's up? She been rearranging your shed again?'

'The 'man of the house' is out getting her hair done.'

"If my 'Honey-Do' list annoys you, wait until you see my 'Honey-Don't'."

"As long as we're going to keep ignoring each other how about we lose the fish tank and get a TV."

Confused by his wife's shopping list, yet determined to fly solo...Roy simply filled his trolley at random.

Husband reads sign on refrigerator that says: Playing tennis. Dinner on top shelf. Your serve.

'That's your solution to everything, isn't it? Throw a bucket of glitter over it.'

"You got rid of Muffy!...The hairball I've been collecting on the side of the tub."

Angler's bait

"So what if you've been all around the world. Go back and pick up that quart of milk you forgot."

"Well, if it smells so good, you can eat it. It's a new pot cleanser."

"Since he retired I try and give him something to do around the house."

"I'd have cooked it for you but you can't put metal in the microwave."

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"Nobody's perfect, but we're working on it."

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"Between you, Alexa, and Siri, I'm just in a house surrounded by women who think they know everything."

"Yeah, I'm still scared of it too, but the worst part is that it seems to be GROWING...."

"So, how was your day at work, Dear?"

Husband bakes a pie

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Gigot de sept heures."

"You might need to remind Mrs. Sanders it's 'bring your DAUGHTER to work' day."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"My family argues so much over living in the city or country that it makes me feel like pulled pork."

"My entire family's coming for the holidays."

"All rise."

"More helium."