Home Jester Pillows

"Does it matter if the living room carpet isn't the same color all over?"

Your antidepressants are in the oven.

"I don't know which is worse, getting hold of tech-support or getting you to take the Christmas lights down."

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

"We're following Carrot Top."

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"Nobody's perfect, but we're working on it."

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"Yeah, I'm still scared of it too, but the worst part is that it seems to be GROWING...."

"So, how was your day at work, Dear?"

Stepping on clown's shoe...

Husband bakes a pie

"Between you, Alexa, and Siri, I'm just in a house surrounded by women who think they know everything."

Bad Interview Technique

"Gigot de sept heures."

'Make him laugh, make him cry.'

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

"The incessant chatter was driving me crackers, so I got him his own twitter account."

"You might need to remind Mrs. Sanders it's 'bring your DAUGHTER to work' day."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

'Keep it under you hat, but I want you to enrich some uranium.'

"I'm popping out for a tinkle."

"More helium."

"My entire family's coming for the holidays."

"Have you been fiddling with the cuckoo clock again, Tony?"

"All rise."

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

'I had the recipe upside down, so it's beefed corn.'

"My family argues so much over living in the city or country that it makes me feel like pulled pork."

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

'I hate it when they order scrambled eggs.' (chef shaking chicken).