Home Jester Pillows

"Does it matter if the living room carpet isn't the same color all over?"

"He's been fine - I haven't had to do a thing."

Your antidepressants are in the oven.

"I don't know which is worse, getting hold of tech-support or getting you to take the Christmas lights down."

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

"We're following Carrot Top."

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"Nobody's perfect, but we're working on it."

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"So, how was your day at work, Dear?"

"Yeah, I'm still scared of it too, but the worst part is that it seems to be GROWING...."

Stepping on clown's shoe...

Husband bakes a pie

"Between you, Alexa, and Siri, I'm just in a house surrounded by women who think they know everything."

Bad Interview Technique

'Make him laugh, make him cry.'

"The incessant chatter was driving me crackers, so I got him his own twitter account."

"Gigot de sept heures."

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

"You might need to remind Mrs. Sanders it's 'bring your DAUGHTER to work' day."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"My family argues so much over living in the city or country that it makes me feel like pulled pork."

'Keep it under you hat, but I want you to enrich some uranium.'

"All rise."

"More helium."

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

"Have you been fiddling with the cuckoo clock again, Tony?"

"I'm popping out for a tinkle."

"My entire family's coming for the holidays."

'I had the recipe upside down, so it's beefed corn.'

'The recipe said to simmer uncovered!'