Family Jester Pillows

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

'As of yet, no group has claimed responsibility.'

'Hi! New daddy!'

Dad’s Homework Assignment

Luna - short for Lunatic.

"Gee, Mom, I'm sorry you're sick, but can't we get a sub?"

"I've changed my mind son - I've decided that I do want to be a financial burden on you . . !"

"I'm the one who can talk him down, Dad. You give ME the fifty bucks."

"Oh honey! Look what your sister sent us."

"Sure, I'll give you a second opinion. I don't think you should stay home from school either."

Ulcer Clinic, Peptic, Duodenal, In-Laws.

'Your breakfast in bed is on the kitchen ceiling, Mum.'

"I don't suppose there's any point in asking what kind of day you've had?"

"Mom said we shoulda brought the truck...."

Happy Mother's Day.

"Great news! Your sperm count is dangerously low!"

"You've got to understand, in my family Dad was the poodle and Mom was the pit bull."

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

How a Mothers Knows her child.

"No, I didn't have a tracking chip implanted in you. The reason I know every room you've been in is because I followed your mud trail."

"You will be pleased to know that the children said sorry!"

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

'Just off... I've fed the cat... and the dog... and the birds... and Mother... yours is in the microwave.'

"I'm so pleased they named you Name and not Names. I can never remember names."

"Spend every last penny. Leave money to my spoiled kids. Spend everything...leave everything..."

"I'm moving back home!"

'Watch it, I'll give you a broken nose.'

"Yeah, I'm still scared of it too, but the worst part is that it seems to be GROWING...."

'This is our neighbour Mr Jenkins. He is our age but he is the father of three teenagers.'

'This is a pretty stiff penalty for motherhood.'

'I'm looking for a helmet, safety boots, a flashlight, gloves and a pickaxe because I want to clean up our daughters' room.'

'Baby sand shark eat their siblings.'

'My son never called me until he became a telemarketer.'