Family Jester Pillows

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

'As of yet, no group has claimed responsibility.'

"Gee, Mom, I'm sorry you're sick, but can't we get a sub?"

'Hi! New daddy!'

Dad’s Homework Assignment

Luna - short for Lunatic.

"Great news! Your sperm count is dangerously low!"

"Sure, I'll give you a second opinion. I don't think you should stay home from school either."

"I'm the one who can talk him down, Dad. You give ME the fifty bucks."

"Oh honey! Look what your sister sent us."

"I've changed my mind son - I've decided that I do want to be a financial burden on you . . !"

Ulcer Clinic, Peptic, Duodenal, In-Laws.

Happy Mother's Day.

'Your breakfast in bed is on the kitchen ceiling, Mum.'

"I don't suppose there's any point in asking what kind of day you've had?"

"Mom said we shoulda brought the truck...."

'This is a pretty stiff penalty for motherhood.'

'This is our neighbour Mr Jenkins. He is our age but he is the father of three teenagers.'

"Yeah, I'm still scared of it too, but the worst part is that it seems to be GROWING...."

'Watch it, I'll give you a broken nose.'

'My son never called me until he became a telemarketer.'

'I'm looking for a helmet, safety boots, a flashlight, gloves and a pickaxe because I want to clean up our daughters' room.'

"Spend every last penny. Leave money to my spoiled kids. Spend everything...leave everything..."

'Baby sand shark eat their siblings.'

'Just off... I've fed the cat... and the dog... and the birds... and Mother... yours is in the microwave.'

"I'm moving back home!"

New Rules for the Household

"Daddy, since I'm taking over the payments I'm also taking down that 'Baby On Board' sign."

"My family argues so much over living in the city or country that it makes me feel like pulled pork."

"I really love grandma and all, but she stinks of vape."

"You broke the window, huh?"

"If you're trying to keep secrets from me by spelling out the words. Might I remind you that I am in year ten!"

"It's done wonders for my back."

"You will be pleased to know that the children said sorry!"