Family Joker Pillows

"I thought that sperm-bank donors remained anonymous."

'Well - how has everyone wasted time and energy today?'

"I hope you kept the box it came in."

'If you're re-tired Grandpa, why don't you take a nap like I do!'

'My parents are giving up desserts for Lent, so I'm balancing the family diet by giving up vegetables.'

'Your father's a genius kids. First he discovered fire and now marshmallows.'

'Cheer up Mom...They say dead is the new 80.'

'Your mother has finally found a home she wants us to put her in...ours.'

'Aren't I allowed to make at least one phone call to Grandma?'

"Now, before we go, does anyone have to empty their cache?"

'Mom, how does the digestive system work?'

'Grandpa's been working out!'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

"You couldn't put on a nice a tie?"

'He's the father of the entire first row.'

'You're the mother and those are your children? -- I'd like to see a DNA test.'

'We're your family... please don't audit us.'

'Are you sure this is where you buried your Daddy?'

Toddler NO shirt - 'Saves time.'

'You'll have to excuse my brother. He's a little different.'

'I see you have been mopping the floor while I was out. Are you doing this to be nice or disposing of evidence?'

"This is Mr. Mendez. He's been redistricted into our family."

"Papi, what do you want for Christmas?"

'Of course I love having you around. Before you were born, I was the only one your mother yelled at.'

"Grandmom told me "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." I told her that has medical malpractice written all over it!"

'Mom says you're a self-made man, Grandpa. Why did you make yourself fat and bald?'

"For a dollar I'll clear your browser history before mom gets home."

"Do you think Papi will let us have a puppy?"

BEAUTY SHOP, 'You look great, Mom -- we ought to take Dad to the handsomeness shop!'

'The air is thinner up here, isn't it Dad?'

'Your son, running screaming from the real world, is home.'

Dancing Grandpa

'Son, you can cancel your plans to backpack across Europe after graduation. See? Your father put up the old pup tent instead!'

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

'...And this is my half sister, Donna.'