Household Jokers Pillows

'I think you only come in here to get out of doing the dishes.'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

"Actually, I'm really looking for blessings that aren't in disguise"

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Cloning Dept. Ooh! She's got your eyes and nose, mouth...

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

Raised by Dogs

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

'So far I've found out the doctor had something to do with it.'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"Hey, Mom! Check it out! Dad converted his gardo paints to passenger pants!"

'Here comes your Daddy - Do you want me to do the talking?'

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

Acclaimed mother.

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

Onion operation.

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'Who put Grandad's teeth in the aquarium?'

'You want to hear me speaking my first word? I don't say anything without my lawyer, mister!'