Domestic Jokester Pillows

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

"You overwatered the plant, again."

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

Onion operation.

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

"Hey. We're out of toilet paper."

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'You want to hear me speaking my first word? I don't say anything without my lawyer, mister!'

That isn't what prove you're not a robot means, Bob.

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'