Domestic Jokester Pillows

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Take me to your Larder!"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

Onion operation.

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

"You overwatered the plant, again."

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

"Hey. We're out of toilet paper."

"Young man! You turn the gravity back on this instant!!"

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'You want to hear me speaking my first word? I don't say anything without my lawyer, mister!'

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'