Domestic Comedic Enthusiast Pillows

Home for sale (husband and TV included).

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"Mulch madness"

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"And I suppose you forgot to bring home the milk."

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

"What's all this?"

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

"The blow drier is broken."

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

'How many times do I have to tell you about putting the toilet seat back up?'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"Life is so much easier since I brought the XL Robovax for Clive."

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'Harold, I told you not to eat the last piece of pie!'

"I'll be on the porch, pushing ninety."

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'