Bedroom Jokester Pillows

"I drink to forget."

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

The Wine Bottle and the Corkscrew

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"This stool shall pass."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

Laptop Dancing.

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

'Mongrel' 'Bitch's' - His and Hers towels for Dogs.

"John, wake up, I think the mattress has stopped breathing."

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

'Charles, you're carrying this 'king of the castle' business too far!'

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

Onion operation.

The only Washroom on the South Pole.

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

Business man sees himself as a shark

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

His & hers towels.

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

Downside of a memory foam mattress.

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

Don't Waste A Moment! Put Down That Magazine And Get Fit While You Sit!

"Hey. We're out of toilet paper."

'You want to hear me speaking my first word? I don't say anything without my lawyer, mister!'

"Young man! You turn the gravity back on this instant!!"

Tree's Tree Nursery. Get this. Dad is selling those goofy upside-down tomato planters. What idiot would buy them? Thanks! I'll let you know how it works! My idiotic bio teacher.