Household Jester T-Shirts

"Go … get … your … mother."

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

'Fred, Fred: I've found a way to get into the pantry!'

'When did you install wall-to-wall carpeting?'

'You're not supposed to use fabric softener on ARMOR!'

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

"Actually, I'm really looking for blessings that aren't in disguise"

'He does.'

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

man fishing at a dock sees a billboard: Do You Know It's Anniversary

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"Nobody's perfect, but we're working on it."

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Husband bakes a pie

"Yeah, I'm still scared of it too, but the worst part is that it seems to be GROWING...."

Acclaimed mother.

"So, how was your day at work, Dear?"

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Gigot de sept heures."

"You might need to remind Mrs. Sanders it's 'bring your DAUGHTER to work' day."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"I see a girl, I see a marriage, I see her not understanding you, I see a beer belly. Do you want me to go on?"

Cockerel sings the blues...

'He's all eyes!'

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

'I had the recipe upside down, so it's beefed corn.'

"My family argues so much over living in the city or country that it makes me feel like pulled pork."

"More helium."

"My entire family's coming for the holidays."

"All rise."

"Have you been fiddling with the cuckoo clock again, Tony?"

'The recipe said to simmer uncovered!'