Hosts Gifts

"Perhaps it was the eel," The Lefleurs commiserate with their paying guest.

"We've had to update our restaurant's motto."

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

Showbiz Awards

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

Sci-Fi Museum. New Exhibit. H.G. Wells War of the Worlds. In 1938, Orson Welles broadcast "War of the Worlds," a radio drama about aliens from Mars invading earth. The radio drama was presented as a series of fake news reports about devastation caused by the invading aliens. Many listeners turned in to the program mid-roadcast and thought the news reports were real. Widespread panic ensued. Wow! Orson Welles caused all that panic with a radio program. Just imagine what he could have don

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

"Sorry, that's not my table."

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

'Thanksgiving's no holiday for turkeys or the women who cook them.'

Fishermen

'Ron's not drunk - he's pouting because we won't play Pictionary.'

"What time did you say you wanted me to start drinking?"

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

Four olives and a toothpick on Newton's Cradle.

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

'We'll have to end it there, I'm sorry - we're running out of time.'

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

Untold Love Stories. The Shadow and Pollyanna. It's no use, Lamont, you know what evil lurks in the hearts of men and I believe there's good in everybody.

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

"I’ll have something for you as soon as Table Seven sees the entrée prices."

'For the luxury item I'd like my ipod.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

"We're not laughing at you, sweetie. We're laughing at something you don't understand."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'