Hosts Gifts

"Perhaps it was the eel," The Lefleurs commiserate with their paying guest.

"We've had to update our restaurant's motto."

Showbiz Awards

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

"Sorry, that's not my table."

Fishermen

'Thanksgiving's no holiday for turkeys or the women who cook them.'

'Ron's not drunk - he's pouting because we won't play Pictionary.'

"What time did you say you wanted me to start drinking?"

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Four olives and a toothpick on Newton's Cradle.

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"I’ll have something for you as soon as Table Seven sees the entrée prices."

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

'We'll have to end it there, I'm sorry - we're running out of time.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

"We're not laughing at you, sweetie. We're laughing at something you don't understand."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

Mini Bar