Television Host Gifts

'Tonight, an in-depth look at what each of us can do to help conserve electricity.'

And now, for a rebuttal.

Drivel TV, "Coming up after the break- people who feel compelled to talk absolute crap on television"

Pop goes the weasel.

Today on Oprah: Couples who are Not Having Extra-Marital Affairs

Happy Accidents. . . Call Bob Ross Today

'Even widescreen struggles to fit them in.'

"Creative, imaginative, and fierce-these are just a few of the words that I'm reading off the teleprompter."

Film critic critics

'Well, it WAS worth nine thousand dollars. Sorry about that.'

'All you need is a pencil, a cuddly toy and a blowtorch, and you're ready to begin.'

'Well, that's all the news, so I guess I'll just sit here and wait until something else happens.'

How to get on talk shows by promoting your new book

'Here's one I nicked earlier.'

How come nothing good ever happens to me? Like what? Like getting taken by a foreign government then rescued. I want to get a book contract, to be part of the news cycle, to have him talk about me. Whom? Speak my name, Anderson Cooper! The great one.

Something horrible must have happened, Katie Couric is frowning

"Thank you for coming into the studio tonight, your story is truly a fascinating one, however I've decided our time would be better spent reviewing my meteoric rise to celebrity status within this television network."

'Please stand by — Bill O'Reilly is having another one of his hissy-fits....'

'We'll return to the evening news right after this message from the Three Stooges....'

"How about that! Wanda, you also landed on cheese."

This can't be right -- It says Michael Jackson is hosting a reality show.

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

So you dreamed that Anderson Cooper called you a materialistic jerk. It was so real. House of Java.net Cybercafe. This is an outrage! You think? I've been calling you a materialistic jerk for years and it didn't bother you! Hey! You're a @#$% shopaholic boob! Nothing maybe if you get your own tv show.

Do you go for Hannity or O'Reilly? Tough call. O'Reilly's presence is so big, fearless. Whereas Hannity has a wicked fast tongue and such inner strength. As symbolized externally by his jawline. O'Reilly is so tall. Something strange is happening. Coulter's a bit masculine for my tastes. Ditto. HOJ.

"And now...here to spew his unique brand of unhinged babble and utter nonsense, let's welcome my guest..."

2006. 31,556,926

Am I Coming Down With Something?

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"News anchors' spring fashion show"

"Well, Jackie, when I bloated up and hit middle age my TV career fell apart and I turned to drugs, and I really gave to say drugs were very good to me and gave me a second chance at life -- until handguns came along."

Conan in Pasadena

"It blew a gasket during a particularly heated exchange on William Buckley's 'Firing Line.'"

"Hurry, dear, it's the Brutal Gourmet."

"Well, now we know what Letterman's doing, what are we doing?"

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