Television Host Pillows

'Tonight, an in-depth look at what each of us can do to help conserve electricity.'

And now, for a rebuttal.

Drivel TV, "Coming up after the break- people who feel compelled to talk absolute crap on television"

Today on Oprah: Couples who are Not Having Extra-Marital Affairs

Pop goes the weasel.

"Creative, imaginative, and fierce-these are just a few of the words that I'm reading off the teleprompter."

Happy Accidents. . . Call Bob Ross Today

How to get on talk shows by promoting your new book

'Well, that's all the news, so I guess I'll just sit here and wait until something else happens.'

'Well, it WAS worth nine thousand dollars. Sorry about that.'

Film critic critics

'All you need is a pencil, a cuddly toy and a blowtorch, and you're ready to begin.'

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

The Bob Dole Home-Shopping Network

"Well, now we know what Letterman's doing, what are we doing?"

"Hurry, dear, it's the Brutal Gourmet."

"It blew a gasket during a particularly heated exchange on William Buckley's 'Firing Line.'"

"Joan Rivers is sitting in for Mommy at breakfast."

"Well, Jackie, when I bloated up and hit middle age my TV career fell apart and I turned to drugs, and I really gave to say drugs were very good to me and gave me a second chance at life -- until handguns came along."

"News anchors' spring fashion show"

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Am I Coming Down With Something?

"How about that! Wanda, you also landed on cheese."

'We'll return to the evening news right after this message from the Three Stooges....'

'Please stand by — Bill O'Reilly is having another one of his hissy-fits....'

"Thank you for coming into the studio tonight, your story is truly a fascinating one, however I've decided our time would be better spent reviewing my meteoric rise to celebrity status within this television network."

Something horrible must have happened, Katie Couric is frowning

'Here's one I nicked earlier.'

'Baldo, being on TV requires talent.'

"Up next we interview the big lottery winner, but first, let's tamp down your envy and greed by looking all the lives totally devastated by winning the lottery."

'Which opinion molder gets my top approval rating? I guess it's Jimmy Fallon - the new king of late night comedy.'

'Katie Couric is PAID to smile at you!'

'Come on, you awful, bloody lot! I need one volunteer for the Charles interview.'

'isn't he something, folks? Eight dogs, twelve cats, six plumbers and two maintenance men...but talk about shy!'

"When did they add this channel?!"