Show Host Gifts

'Welcome to the new reality show, Who's the Real Life Whistle Blower?'

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

Showbiz Awards

"Oh, Jeff, you swore this wasn't a podcast."

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

"Sorry, that's not my table."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

Fishermen

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

Senior Jeopardy!

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Vanna White: The Later Years.

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

"I’ll have something for you as soon as Table Seven sees the entrée prices."

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID MAMET

'We'll have to end it there, I'm sorry - we're running out of time.'

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."