Home Hosts Gifts

'No. . . it's too distracting. . . people are more comfortable with the T.V. on, Joy. Remember, we haven't seen some of these people for a long time.'

Showbiz Awards

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"Sorry, that's not my table."

'Thanksgiving's no holiday for turkeys or the women who cook them.'

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

"What time did you say you wanted me to start drinking?"

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

Yard Sale

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

'We'll have to end it there, I'm sorry - we're running out of time.'

"I’ll have something for you as soon as Table Seven sees the entrée prices."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

"You have reservations for 7 o'clock? Ideally..."

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"A table in Siberia, please."

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'Tea minus one hour thirty minutes and ten seconds.'