Home Hosts T-Shirts

'No. . . it's too distracting. . . people are more comfortable with the T.V. on, Joy. Remember, we haven't seen some of these people for a long time.'

Showbiz Awards

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

'Thanksgiving's no holiday for turkeys or the women who cook them.'

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

"Sorry, that's not my table."

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

"What time did you say you wanted me to start drinking?"

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Yard Sale

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

"I’ll have something for you as soon as Table Seven sees the entrée prices."

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'We'll have to end it there, I'm sorry - we're running out of time.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'Tea minus one hour thirty minutes and ten seconds.'

"A table in Siberia, please."

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'