Host T-Shirts

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"We'll alternate the windbags with the hard-of-hearing."

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

'Can't you squeeze me in?'

'You just had to tell them to make themselves at home!'

"The crab bisque, the tournedos, the bourbon soufflé... Thank you so much for trying."

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

"Afterward, there will be a short Q. and A. that will be just long enough for one person to take up too much of it."

'This morning we start a special feature in which we surprise an average American at home as they prepare for a new day.'

Trustworthy Authority.

'Come in. Have a snack. Have a drink. Talk to some people. Leave.'

'There will be an eight-hour wait. Would you like a cot?'

Andrew Marr.

'Obnoxious. screaming kids,or non-obnoxious, screaming kids.'

'Good evening! I'll be your server tonight. Can I start you with the first of many 'How's everything?''

Please Wait To Be Heated.

'And the award for 'most sensational celebrity divorce' goes to...'

Come dine with me!

John Toroda and Gregg Wallace

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

'I like to put all the halitosis sufferers together.'

"I've got reservations for this evening."

Compulsive Christmas Caterer!

David Letterman

'Just make sure that our table is near a waiter!'

'Main Street or Wall Street?'

"A table for two? Profit or non-profit?"

"I'm hanging tough, guys, but have I mentioned how much I resent you for always making me hold the table?"

Ant eater.

'We'd like a quiet table for 47.'

"You have reservations for 7 o'clock? Ideally..."

"Places, everybody!"

'Sorry, this table is taken.'

"So good to see you let me take your coa...oh, a low alcohol bottle of wine."

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"