Host T-Shirts

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"We'll alternate the windbags with the hard-of-hearing."

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

'Can't you squeeze me in?'

'You just had to tell them to make themselves at home!'

'This morning we start a special feature in which we surprise an average American at home as they prepare for a new day.'

'Good evening! I'll be your server tonight. Can I start you with the first of many 'How's everything?''

'Obnoxious. screaming kids,or non-obnoxious, screaming kids.'

Andrew Marr.

'There will be an eight-hour wait. Would you like a cot?'

'Come in. Have a snack. Have a drink. Talk to some people. Leave.'

Trustworthy Authority.

"The crab bisque, the tournedos, the bourbon soufflé... Thank you so much for trying."

"Afterward, there will be a short Q. and A. that will be just long enough for one person to take up too much of it."

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"So good to see you let me take your coa...oh, a low alcohol bottle of wine."

'Sorry, this table is taken.'

"Places, everybody!"

"You have reservations for 7 o'clock? Ideally..."

'We'd like a quiet table for 47.'

Ant eater.

"I'm hanging tough, guys, but have I mentioned how much I resent you for always making me hold the table?"

"A table for two? Profit or non-profit?"

'Main Street or Wall Street?'

'Just make sure that our table is near a waiter!'

Compulsive Christmas Caterer!

"I've got reservations for this evening."

"I'm having friends over for dominoes, so everyone needs to clear out of the kitchen."

'Say goodnight to Robert. He's not very good at entertaining.'

'What if someone says 'everything is not alright'?'

'That's not the sort of request I meant, Madam, and anyway it's physically impossible!'

"Smoking or anti-smoking?"

'...and don't treat the place like a hotel!'

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'