Guest Host Gifts

'I'm getting really tired of your friend crashing here every night!'

Showbiz Awards

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

Cardiac Recovery.

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"Sorry, that's not my table."

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

'We'll have to end it there, I'm sorry - we're running out of time.'

"I’ll have something for you as soon as Table Seven sees the entrée prices."

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"This should be cozy. Just let me know if you need an extra sousaphone."

"A table in Siberia, please."

"You have reservations for 7 o'clock? Ideally..."

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

"I'm having friends over for dominoes, so everyone needs to clear out of the kitchen."

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'Tea minus one hour thirty minutes and ten seconds.'

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

"What time is it?" "Half past World Cup."

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

"Afterward, there will be a short Q. and A. that will be just long enough for one person to take up too much of it."

"Well, now we know what Letterman's doing, what are we doing?"

Compulsive Christmas Caterer!