Hospital Hanger-outer Gifts

'I'll have to reschedule your appointment -- the doctor had an attack of squeamishness.'

"Yeah, I know. bu tthe administration didn't want to appear culturally insensitive."

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

Hospital Departments

Shirley Temple...The later years.. - 'Animal crackers in my poop...'

"Okay, I've got lousy bedside manner, but I draw a smiley faces on all your prescriptions."

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

'Anaesthetic ok?' - 'Yes, ten double scotches from the pub up the road.'

Push, push, push...

Newspaper reads: 'Doctors not giving adequate info to patients'. Doctor asking patient, "Say eh??"

'Your left ventricle doesn't know what your right ventricle is doing.'

"Cardiac day patients?"

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

'Which arrow points to my office?'

'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you which room the star basketball player is recovering in.'

"Don't just stand there gawping women! Give me a hand with my monthly salary!"

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

Hospital Cleaning.

"I might be a one armed podiatrist... but if you lend me a hand... I'll fix your foot."

"No response doctor! The patient is sedated!"

Bob's Heart Valves 'N' Stuff (store is open)

'My patients are picking up so much medical knowledge through the media that I feel more like their consultant than their doctor.'

Surgery / Canteen - The perplexities of priorites.

Neuro Surgery. Staff only. Sorry, that took longer than I expected --- He has a lot of nerve!

'These are from my attorneys for malpractice suit.'

"We must be in the wrong wing."

Is there any history of not paying medical bills in your family? M.D.

"I'll be blunt. You don't have much time. In three days I'm turning this over to a collection agency."

'The Doctor just finished his rounds. I better go soothe the patient's psyches.'

Man about to pay his hospital bill notices a team of doctors and nurses waiting to resuscitate him.

Paramedic Mistakes.

Doctor with 'Out patient' clip board being sped up by 'Competition', 'Technology' and 'DRG's'

'I'm feeling a lot better, Nurse -- how about switching me to the cheap stuff?'

'Well, seeing as how you're my wife and all, I'll try to fit you in next Thursday at 3:15.'

Practicing Defensive Medicine