Hospital Hanger-outer T-Shirts

'I'll have to reschedule your appointment -- the doctor had an attack of squeamishness.'

"Yeah, I know. bu tthe administration didn't want to appear culturally insensitive."

Hospital Departments

"Okay, I've got lousy bedside manner, but I draw a smiley faces on all your prescriptions."

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

'Anaesthetic ok?' - 'Yes, ten double scotches from the pub up the road.'

Newspaper reads: 'Doctors not giving adequate info to patients'. Doctor asking patient, "Say eh??"

'Your left ventricle doesn't know what your right ventricle is doing.'

"Cardiac day patients?"

'Which arrow points to my office?'

'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you which room the star basketball player is recovering in.'

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

"Don't just stand there gawping women! Give me a hand with my monthly salary!"

Hospital Cleaning.

"No response doctor! The patient is sedated!"

"I might be a one armed podiatrist... but if you lend me a hand... I'll fix your foot."

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

Bob's Heart Valves 'N' Stuff (store is open)

'My patients are picking up so much medical knowledge through the media that I feel more like their consultant than their doctor.'

"We must be in the wrong wing."

Surgery / Canteen - The perplexities of priorites.

'These are from my attorneys for malpractice suit.'

"I'll be blunt. You don't have much time. In three days I'm turning this over to a collection agency."

'The Doctor just finished his rounds. I better go soothe the patient's psyches.'

Man about to pay his hospital bill notices a team of doctors and nurses waiting to resuscitate him.

Paramedic Mistakes.

Doctor with 'Out patient' clip board being sped up by 'Competition', 'Technology' and 'DRG's'

'Well, seeing as how you're my wife and all, I'll try to fit you in next Thursday at 3:15.'

'I'm feeling a lot better, Nurse -- how about switching me to the cheap stuff?'

"Actually, what doesn't kill you just raises the cost of everyone's insurance"

Practicing Defensive Medicine